- Hey, guys. - Dad, you got to tell Mom
we never want to go hiking with her again.
No, I don't think I'm gonna do that.
Now that I know you don't like it, it could be used as a form of punishment.
Gonna put that right in the old dad bank.
It turned into a four-hour lesson in geology.
I was just looking for a snake to bite me so we could be airlifted out.
Yeah.
Turns out every rock has a story, and they're all boring.
That's not the case.
What about Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?
- Okay. - Wrestler turned movie star.
(Sighs)
It's inspiring.
You know, ever since Mom lost her job at the school,
everything is one big teachable moment.
She's proofreading my music.
I mean, proper grammar has no place in songwriting.
If she was Mick Jagger's mom, we'd all be singing,
"I am unable to receive any satisfaction."
Man, she never stops, and I thought you were the know-it-all.
Yeah. Only about business or cars or outdoor stuff or life.
Yeah, you got me there.
Listen, let's cut her a little slack.
She lost her teaching job.
She's got a hole in her life right now, all right?
Why can't she just have an affair?
That would take the pressure off of all of us.
She's going through a rough time.
We're her family.
It wouldn't hurt to show a little compassion.
Vanessa: Oh, good, you're home.
Uh, listen, I found something fun for us to learn together.
Great.
I signed us up for ballroom dancing.
Wow! What a great idea!
Yeah.
Now you get to spend time with Mom.
I'd love to, but the girls really want to go hiking again.
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
♪♪
I can't believe I got you to take dance lessons.
Is there a particular step you want to learn?
Yeah, the happy dance when I know this is over.
So salsa.
You thought about going back into teaching?
You know what? You're just trying to get out of the dance lessons.
Uh, yeah.
But I also know that you miss teaching.
Are you thinking about getting another job?
Honey, they just laid me off a month ago.
I mean, what am I supposed to do, show up in a wig and a mustache?
What about private schools?
I mean, they need help, and they got money.
When they put an apple on the desk, it's a MacBook Pro.
I got into teaching to reach the disadvantaged kids, not the privileged.
- Right. Rich kids need help, too. - No.
You know how much trouble it is to tie an ascot while you're on a polo pony?
"Ridgeway, stop it.
Biffy! Come on, everybody!"
Rich kids can afford tutors.
They don't need me.
All right, but when a public-school job opens up, you got to be ready.
I think you should stay in the game.
Yeah, well, I guess I could think about it.
I mean, I do love teaching science. (Chuckles)
You know, getting kids to "zinc" outside the "bauxite."
(Laughs)
This is why science teachers never opened for Sammy in Vegas.
♪♪
(Zombies groaning)
(TV turns off)
What the... Why are you pausing it again?
The zombie was about to get killed.
Yeah, with a shotgun.
Zombies are attracted to noise.
He might as well just yell, "Hey, zombies, we're in the barn."
Well, that was certainly worth stopping for.
Can we watch now?
Hold on. Tell me, Ryan.
The zombie has him cornered. How is he supposed to kill him?
I'd use a shovel, which is right there.
A shovel to kill a zombie?
Even if you could somehow sever the spinal column, the head can still bite you.
Kris, can you kill a zombie with a shovel?
Uh, I'm kind of busy. Kill him yourself.
We need you to settle an argument.
Yeah, I'm not the right person for that being a grown-up and all.
- Hi. - Hi.
You know, I really wish we could enjoy
some mutilation and bloodshed like civilized people,
but all you two morons do is argue.
That's because one of us thinks he's an expert.
I don't want to say who, but he has a beard and his name is Ryan.
Vogelson.
Well, one of us has read every zombie graphic novel,
seen every movie, TV show, and even the one zombie musical.
Name it. Too late. "Thriller."
Okay, you know what?
It's the same thing every week, so I'm settling this.
Next week we're going to have a contest.
I'm going to crown one of you the ultimate zombie authority.
And that would be me.
Nope, that would be me times infinity.
I'm going to give you the details of a zombie invasion.
You are each going to have to tell me how you would survive.
I pick the winner.
He's the ultimate zombie know-it-all.
We never pause the show again. Boom.
- You're on. - Deal.
All right, now can we please watch the dead people in peace?
Both: Undead.
I'm getting a shovel.
♪♪
Thanks for coming with me, sweetie, but you really didn't have to.
Have to what? Support my mother?
Nothing is more important to me than you... getting a job.
You know, I never really saw myself teaching at a private school,
but this place is amazing.
I know.
It's like Hogwarts without the magic and the gross British people.
Oh, no, no, no, no. There's magic here.
The magic of learning.
Abra-ca-science!
Dear God, you need to get back in a classroom.
Hi. I'm here for the interview.
Uh, Vanessa Baxter.
Take a seat, and Mr. Slattery will be right with you.
No hurry.
The students should always have top priority.
Those women are also here for the teaching position.
Oh, they're... they're not students?
Uh, then I will need to see Mr. Slattery immediately.
(Chuckles)
I'm just kidding.
I'm gonna go sit down.
(Sighs) Mandy, honey.
Yeah.
These teachers are all so young.
- That's your competition? - Yeah.
Abra-ca-uh-oh.
Mom, what about her? She's got some miles on her.
Oh, good. Yeah. I was starting to get worried.
Looking forward to your retirement party, Elaine.
That's a good thing.
They'll need someone old to replace Elaine.
Here he comes.
Mom. Mention Twitter.
Hi. It's nice to meet you, Vanessa.
Uh, I'm sorry. Uh, I'm... I'm Vanessa Baxter.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, no. No problem.
I realize I'm a little older than your other applicants,
but I encourage you to "zinc" outside the "bauxite."
Uh...
Uh (Chuckles) I guess that's why
I never opened for Sammy in Vegas.
Sammy?
Davis.
Jr.?
Um...
- Twitter? - No.
♪♪
- Hey, kid. - Hey, heads up.
Mom is super sad.
She got passed over again for another job.
I don't get it. Who wouldn't want her?
Except us here at home.
Crap.
Who would've thought it'd be harder to get her in a good school than you?
I know.
Turns out being smart... not that important.
What's important is youth. I was right all along.
I guess you were.
No one's out there searching for the fountain of age.
Hey, hon. Are you okay?
Can't compete with these younger teachers.
You know, one of them actually called me "ma'am" today.
I almost punched her in her polite little face.
Almost.
That's why you're losing these jobs.
No follow-through.
Honey, come on. You're better than these kids.
No, honey, the schools don't know that.
They see me walk in the room and they think,
"Oh, she won't stick around for 30 years."
You should use me as a reference.
I'll tell them how difficult it is to get rid of you.
You know what?
They're always gonna pick the younger person, and the sooner I accept that,
the sooner I can stop humiliating myself.
That's not the Vanessa I know.
Oh, well, maybe that's because I've hit rock bottom.
(Chuckles) Rock bottom?
Really?
You let that sit there and no geology pun?
Oh. I didn't even see it.
I have lost it.
You haven't. Baby, come on.
You haven't lost it.
You just got to take some time off, rest,
recharge your batteries, and you come out swinging.
No, Mike, I give up.
I am officially retired.
You retire the same year as Peyton Manning?
That's almost too much.
♪♪
The sun sets over Denver, Colorado.
The city is swarming with zombies.
Infections are occurring at a rate of 100 per hour.
Major complication...
the virus is being spread by...
Water, wind.
Uber drivers.
...bats.
Which swarm at night, and it's getting dark.
Wait, and zombification occurs through a bite?
Stop asking stupid questions.
It's almost sundown.
To make matters worse,
there is one super zombie that can turn you with a stare.
You always hear about the super zombie, but you never think it's real.
All communication is cut off.
All you have is a truck and fuel... Kyle, go.
Uh, first stop is Outdoor Man.
Stock up on weapons, ammo, and jerky, but not the pepper teriyaki
'cause they are not kidding about the pepper.
And then I take the fight to them...
sounding the horn, attracting the zombies,
and starting a full-scale war.
Aggressive. I like it.
Ryan, proceed.
Oh, well, uh, first I'd get sunglasses...
It's sundown, numb-nuts.
...so the super zombie can't turn me with a stare.
Oh, I had those, too.
Yeah, I'm sure you would.
Now.
And then I would load Kristin and Boyd into the truck.
Mm, bonus points for family protection.
Oh, right, and Mandy's with me. I just forgot to say that.
Nope. It's too late. She's on her own.
Although she might be okay because zombies feast on brains,
and, well, she has very little to offer.
And next I would do some shopping.
I'd get seeds, fertilizer, tools, shiny birthday balloons.
(Chuckles) Birthday balloons?
What else? A piñata?
And then I'd head to the mountains, find fertile land
and a fresh water source with natural barriers.
I'd plant crops, build a shelter, and hang the balloons around the perimeter,
because bats are repelled by Mylar.
Whoa.
Looks like we have a winner.
(Grunts) I don't want to say who, but he's got a beard and his name is Ryan.
Vogelson.
♪♪
(Door opens)
Hey, dinner's ready in 10.
- Hey, come out here a sec. - (Door closes)
You know when I say something real smart and you go, "Mike, you're a genius"?
No.
Well, that's how it should be.
What do you see here?
A truck.
No, you see a 1956 Ford truck.
It's a classic.
Mike, you're a genius. Can I go now?
Just a second. What happens when we drive around in it?
Um, you make me take my shoes off.
I know, but other than that.
I'm not allowed to wear perfume.
Uh, yeah, besides that. And?
I can't touch anything.
Right, and I don't like gum in there, too, but really...
All right. When we're driving around, what do other people do when they see us?
They do this.
- You know why they do that? - Why?
This truck is older than you, but it's a classic,
and people realize it's a classic.
And you're a classic, too.
How flattering.
I'm an old truck.
No, no, no, no. That's not what I meant.
This is not an old truck.
It was an old truck until I restored it.
And why did I do that?
Because I know cars, and I recognized its value.
Well, no one is recognizing mine, Mike.
But they will.
Somebody who knows something about teaching is gonna recognize your real value.
I know this is gonna happen.
It really is a beauty...
I'd prefer you don't touch it.
You know what?
- I am a classic, damn it. - That's right.
And the same thing that happened to this truck is gonna happen to me.
(Chuckling) That's right.
Yeah, I just have to get them to see my real value.
Bingo.
I mean, all this truck needed was some bodywork and some new paint...
Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.
...and that's what I need.
Yeah.
- What's that now? - Yeah.
I'm gonna get plastic surgery.
No, I... Let's... Let's reboot this conversation.
- No. - Here's... Look.
Let's use the lawn mower as an example.
- Low, greasy, and dirty. - No, I-I need to be restored.
That is the only way I'm gonna get to do what I love... teach.
- No, I don't... - Honey... Honey, you really are a genius.
Now I won't be able to take her out in the rain, either.
The frog said, "You get it in, you pull it out."
(Laughs)
Hey. Ed.
Uh, I might need the service of a good plastic surgeon.
Who's that doctor that made your third wife look a lot like your second one?
You getting a new face, Baxter?
'Cause I could use a break from looking at this one.
That's the face of Outdoor Man.
When people see that face, they want to buy stuff to kill something.
Well, thank you both.
It's not for me, actually.
For Vanessa?
Oh, well, congratulations.
What's she bumping them up to?
You know, I'm gonna tell her you said that
next time she goes on and on about what a classy guy you are.
What's up, Baxter?
Vanessa doesn't need that kind of thing.
I know.
She's got it in her head that if she wants to get back into teaching,
she needs to be restored.
Restored?
Where'd she get that crazy idea?
Beats me.
Every interview she's been going on, she's losing out to young people.
That's not right.
No, she's got something those young teachers don't have.
Wisdom.
If the price for that is a few wrinkles, so be it.
That's why nobody listens to a grape.
And yet they'll sit at the feet of a raisin for hours.
Carol always talks about what an excellent teacher Vanessa was.
She really pushed those kids and she never gave up on them.
She went in early, stayed late.
- She really loved that job. - Yeah.
And now with class sizes going up,
a lot of them are falling through the cracks.
- Isn't life strange, huh? - Yeah.
Vanessa wants to teach. Kids need teaching.
Yet somehow you wind up paying for a boob job.
Looks like a raisin, thinks like a grape.
Still want that number?
No, I don't think I need it.
Chuck, when you're done, stop by my office.
I got an idea.
♪♪
- Hey. - Hey, there.
Uh, we should go. My... My consultation's at 3:00.
We can be late. It's a plastic surgeon.
We'll give him 15 more minutes of age to work with.
Mike, honey, um, be honest with me.
Do... Do you think this is a good idea?
Hmm.
How can taking a scalpel to a human face be a bad idea?
Then why haven't you tried to stop me?
'Cause I thought it'd be fun in the waiting room,
you and I guessing, "Hey, is that before, or, ooh, is that after?"
I'm serious, come on.
It kills me that you've been so down lately,
and I would do anything to make you happy.
- And if this is it, I support it. - Okay.
But this is my favorite thing in the world to look at.
Okay.
I don't know what to do.
That's good, because I have a secret plan.
What are you talking about?
Well, I can't tell you because it's Mike's secret plan.
- Hey, Chuck. - Hey, Chuck.
- Oh, hey, Vanessa. - Hi.
I'm so surprised to see you here.
I did not expect it.
But since you are here,
why don't you come with Mike and me to the conference room?
This is a funny coincidence.
(Forced chuckling)
Hey.
When you said three years of community theater, I had very low expectations.
But wow.
- Hey, Mrs. Baxter. - Hey, Jessie, Kevin, David.
Or as I like to call it, Mike's secret plan.
Well, Carol helped.
She's the one that called the kids.
And I'm the one that called Carol,
but, you know, let's just call it Mike's secret plan.
We didn't know you started tutoring, Mrs. B.
What?
No, I... Uh, yeah, yeah.
A lot of people are... are just finding out about that.
Just say you'll do it.
You got three great people counting on it.
Me, Mandy, and Eve.
And the conference room could be a great temporary classroom.
Yeah, they teach a lot of stuff in here.
Wilderness survival, backpacking skills, first aid.
You can add useless science crap.
Ah! He's joking. It's not useless.
Yeah, but it's confusing.
Well, what, uh... what are you having trouble with?
They give us these worksheets, but nobody explains them to us.
Oh, okay, okay. This is about light refraction.
Remember when we talked about colors having different wavelengths?
She talked about this stuff at dinner, so I'm actually following this.
I remember.
You told us that's why sunsets are red.
Oh, because red has the longest wavelength.
Exactly.
See, you guys know more of this than you think.
And that is something to refract on.
I'm back!
So, who can tell me the colors of the spectrum.
ROY G. BIV!
- I'm sorry. Sorry. - No. That's okay.
She has a way of pulling you in.
Honey. Honey. Look at the time.
Isn't there something you need to do?
Um, yeah, I'm... I'm doing it.
Thank you.
Congratulations, Baxter. You really pulled this off.
Well, I got to be totally honest with you.
(Sighs)
I couldn't have done this without, uh, your help.
I mean, your backup and support meant the world to me.
Wow. Thanks, man.
(Chuckling) Now that was acting.
♪♪
Kyle, hey, uh, the grill is swamped.
Can you help me out for about a half an hour?
Maybe you should ask Ryan to do it in case zombies attack the restaurant.
I hate that I know what you're talking about.
He even made himself a trophy.
He deserves it. He's a genius.
Planting crops, fighting bats with balloons.
He saved his family, and I left Mandy out there on her own.
So you can't help me because in a made-up game
your wife was eaten by imaginary zombies?
Hey. I don't want everybody to know.
I realize that there's no such thing as zombies.
Yet.
But there are scary things in the real world.
Will I be able to protect Mandy from those?
Kyle, do you know what Mandy has always been afraid of?
Uneven eyebrows? She mentions that a lot.
Her biggest fear was always that she wasn't gonna find
the right guy to share her life with.
So sad.
I know she will.
No, it... it's you, Kyle. You're that guy.
Do... Do you know how many nights I spent in Mandy's bedroom after a bad date
trying to convince her that all guys weren't awful?
I don't know. Four?
Sure, yeah.
And then one night,
she told me that she found the guy that made all the dozens...
I mean four guys before him not matter.
She said that?
Yeah. See?
You already saved her.
And you will every day for the rest of your life.
Huh.
And I didn't even need any stupid balloons.
Hey, tell Ryan to enjoy that trophy, because it's gonna be mine someday.
It's a G.I. Joe missing both arms glued to a piece of wood.
Is there anything he can't do?
♪♪